I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
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