i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
