Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Randomize
