it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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