there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
