I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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