you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
