My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
it was like eating out sand paper
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
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