Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
