I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
