Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
