wanna go halves on a baby?
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
