Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
