My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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