I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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