see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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