he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
