Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
