Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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