Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Randomize
