I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
