WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
