Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
He passed out mid-signature
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Mom said you looked used
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
