i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
They took my balls.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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