He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
i black out too much to be "responsible"
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