I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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