So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
