Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
