i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
