Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
And then my night got REAL pukey
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
