oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Randomize
