**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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