hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
We just shotgunned beers for America
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
