this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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