Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
