good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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