girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Randomize
