We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
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