I wish I only lived at night.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
