beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
