at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
