Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
