i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
