next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
our cab driver is having phone sex.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
