The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize