You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Randomize
