my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
