DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
