Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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