Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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