watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
