He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
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