a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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