dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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