I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
please don't ironically join a cult
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