My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
