You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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